I work as a Pet Technician at a boarding facility in town. I absolutely adore my job. We have room for over one hundred dogs. We have housed birds, hamsters, and guinea pigs if the circumstances call for it.
We also board cats.
Cats.
I like cats, I really do. But cats DO NOT like me. It's like I give off some kind of "Do everything in your power to maim me, sweet kitten!" vibe.
Each cat gets a "condo" with two rooms connected by a little hole they can squeeze through. So, at a time we can comfortably hold eighteen cats. (That hasn't happened yet, but it's my worst nightmare I assure you.)
The entire building is cleaned thoroughly every morning. Now, when applying to work at the facility you have to specify whether or not you have cat allergies. It's like all my fellow employees knew something I didn't because it seems like I'm one of the only people who is not allergic to cats there. Therefore, I am often stuck with cleaning the Cattery.
This is a lot more involved than it appears.
1. First, I need to section the cat(s) off into one side of it's condo so I can thoroughly clean one of it's rooms without it (A) stepping into the cleaners (all dog/cat safe for those animal people out there!) or (B) maiming my face. I'd say - rough estimate - that 1/4 of the cats we board are nice. The other 3/4's are intent on killing me.
I have to use a little plastic plug that screws into the transfer hole to keep the cat on one side of it's room.
The nice cats are like, "Ok, cool. I'll just relax politely over here while you so nicely make my room smell like calming eucalyptus and clean up the mess I made for some reason with my litter." Oftentimes I don't even section off a nice cat's room because they're just so awesome about being nice.
(Please note the cats have more room than this to move around. My MS Paint skills are lacking.)
And I don't mind cleaning up the nice kitty's mystery poop smear, because he is nice. He does not try to maul me for no apparent reason. I even give him a nice butt scratch when we're done because he was so patient. I thank him for being one of the only level-headed cats to come through our Cattery in my whole year of working there.
There is also what I like to call the Defensive-Aggression Kitty. Once I am aware of this cat's behavior, he's easy enough to work around. The DAK for short, says, "Ok, I guess. I'll just sit over here having a minor heart attack of anger while you clean my room. It was fine the way it was, for future reference. P.S., I hate you."
I still don't terribly mind cleaning this kitty's poop smear, because he's not actively trying to hurt me. He's just like, "Hey. I'd rather you'd leave me alone. I like the smell of my own feces, mmkay?"
And then...there is the Offensive-Aggression Kitty. The OAK constitutes about 1/4 of the fraction above. They actively try to scratch my eyes out, and they are usually the ones that leave the biggest mess. It is my theory that they do this so I have to stay in their rooms longer and they can passive-aggressively kill me with the fumes of their apocalypse-poop.
These cats say "I WILL END YOU. IF YOU SO MUCH AS BRING THE CLEANING STUFF OVER HERE, YOU WILL HAVE TAKEN YOUR LAST BREATHS." Even getting the plug in in the first place is a task. The OAK will stand at the hole and shove his arm through when I attempt to plug the hole.
I unscrew the plug as quickly as possible, because this cat is waiting behind the plug to jump through and kill me. I'm not even exaggerating. These cats are also capable of making some of the most ungodly noises you will ever hear come out of an animal. I swear I thought the girl from The Grudge was in the condo one time.
2. While cleaning, I first take out the litterbox and set it on the counter for later cleaning. I use a dustpan and sweep away the litter that the cats somehow removed in large quantities. Once all that is out of the way, I spray down the room with a dog/cat safe chemical, and let it sit. While it's sitting I scoop out the litterbox and if needed put a little fresh litter in it. I wipe down the room and replace the litter box. All clean!
Now, this sounds really simple. But sometimes, cats pee outside of their litter boxes. The litter box will be totally empty, but they won't go to the bathroom in it. Sometimes they smear things on the wall. My favorite is when they get litter on the ceiling and no matter what I do I can't get it off. I end up sitting there for five minutes scrubbing cement-litter off the ceiling.
And I have seen unspeakable horrors in litter boxes. I have smelled things I can't recount for fear that speaking of it again will suck me into some alternate universe in which the horrors of litter boxes run rampant. It's making me sad just writing about it.
3. I take the plug out so the cat can cross over to it's fresh room and I can clean the other side of it's condo.
The nice cat will go investigate the clean room without any trouble. He seems appreciative of the time I have put in to making him comfortable. He lays down and relaxes while I make the other side of his room clean.
The DAK generally won't move until (A) he realizes I'm not kidding or (B) I am forced to don the shoulder-length cat gloves and pick him up and move him. He hangs limp in my hands, as if by moving him to a clean part of his room I am subjecting him to the greatest injustice he has ever suffered, or will ever suffer again. DAK's are generally melodramatic and will go hide in the corner and hiss at me even when I'm not doing anything. Sometimes I just stand there to make them stop hissing, and they won't.
The OAK will either move quickly into the freshly-cleaned room to try and rip my face off, at which point I can quickly use the plug to trap him on that side OR he will stand there and challenge me to try and make him move. At that point I sigh and don the cat-gloves.
This usually turns out to be a horrible moment where much scuffling occurs, the cat roaring at me (at least it sounds like roaring when it's happening) and me trying to get the cat without hurting it. Once this finally happens I quickly move the cat and commence cleaning it's room only to unscrew the plug and be attacked again.
4. Once everyone has a clean room, it's time to serve breakfast!
I LOVE giving the nice cats breakfast because they seem to smile at me as I put the bowls in their room. "Gee thanks, Kailyn. I love Chopped Tuna Entree with other Ocean Fish. It's my favorite."
The DAK's won't eat until I close the door to their rooms. They death-stare at me until I've placed their bowls nicely and refilled their waters. Sometimes they even wait a certain amount of time until they're sure I'm not going to come back.
I ALWAYS use the cat-gloves when I'm giving an OAK food. They almost always attack my arm when I try to put the bowl down. When I've finally placed the food down, the OAK won't eat it until later because I've touched it and given it cooties and I suck.
Sometimes a DAK turns into an OAK when it comes to food and they surprise me and I jump when they lunge and the food goes everywhere and I have to clean it again and I just want to cry because cats hate me.
People ask me about my job. When I tell them what I do they assume I play with doggies and kittens all day. I DO get to play with dogs, and I DO get to take them on walks and cuddle with them and hug them. But that's about 25% of my job. (I am apparently all about the fractions and percentages today.) The other 75% is cleaning up their poop, pee, and vomit, having them try to kill me when I'm being nice (mostly the cats), dealing with their owners who are usually nice but sometimes have the most serious mental issues and feelings of entitlement I have ever witnessed, and coming home disheveled with bruises and scratches.
COMING SOON: Cats, Part 2: Personalities and Pain
P.S. Thank you for reading my blog!
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